What do you say to clients who ask this?

Selected answers from the Dumb SEO Questions Facebook & G+ community.

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  Webado C Webada: #1 for what search? I can do it for a really unique non-word added to the title and h1 header of the homepage and scattered around the text here and there. Not what you want? Then good bye.
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  David Harry: good bye?
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  Cristian Sepulveda: Pay for AdWords, SEO takes time.
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  Tim Capper: Never had one that did. I educate clients
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  Edwin Jonk: A good start would be "don`t promise position 1".